Amateur Relationship Advice: A Simple Formula

Valentine’s day.  Heart-shaped chocolates, prix fixe menus and pink Vouvre.  Yep, Vanessa is getting at least one of these this year (can you guess which one?).  I didn’t think it was possible, but COVID created an even more exciting, resilient & happy relationship.  I’m damn lucky to have her.  But it doesn’t come without focus, work & some proactive planning. 

Today, I’m taking a big risk: trying my hand at amateur marriage / dating advice.  This is somewhat off-brand so reception might be questionable and worse: my wife is going to learn my secrets.

After all, I’m 100% a non-pro here.  I’m a mistake, recovery and “won’t let it happen again” expert.  Some look at relationships as just “a part of life”, somebody to share bills / a home with, somebody to have children with.  I see a relationship as an opportunity – not a binding.  An opportunity for partnership, growth, advice, help, support, celebration and at the end of the day – love & happiness.  Further, I see a relationship as a key aspect of life’s complicated puzzle of interconnected pieces.  When your relationship is off, other parts of life are impacted. 

In this context, why wouldn’t you prioritize it fully?  

Just like other “hard things” in life, relationships can be hard work.  We have our own issues, goals & schedules to contend with – let alone somebody else’s.  

But alas, we all make it harder than it has to be.  Some thoughts on simplifying (though admittedly, this might be a bit skewed towards a masculine vs. feminine perspective!).

The Compound Effect of Good (or Bad) Relationships

Let’s level set a bit here. Do you find that when things are good, everything just seems easier? Easier to communicate, easier to make plans, easier to talk, have fun. And when things are tough, isn’t everything harder? More fights, more miscommunication, more mental energy borrowed from other areas & put towards the challenge at hand.

I’d argue that “challenged” relationships feel difficult, grow weaker & feel more difficult over time where, while comparatively – positive & well-orchestrated relationships feel easy, grow stronger & feel easier over time.  

Consider two relationship paths.  

The Domino Effect: Reactive & Required

Things are “fine”.  But there’s not much excitement.  Finances, dinners, groceries are shared, but there’s no partnership.  Nobody’s asking for help, but they expect it.  Both folks drive separate lives, little quirks build up & there’s an explosion.  Communication fails.  Listening never started.  Suddenly, the rest of “life”, spirals.  The dominoes fall.  The relationship anxiety, sadness, anger, or frustration carries into work, meetings, pastime activities.  Schedules get thrown off.  You start skipping to-dos, workouts, calls. You get even more backed up.  Eventually separation & lack of balance expands.  

Assessment: Hard.

Exponential Growth: Proactive & Supportive

Things are great.  You can’t wait to hang out after work.  I mean, it’s actually fun & exciting.  It’s a real partnership.  Your significant other is your greatest advisor, mentor & psychologist.  Little things never become problems because of the greater good.  Issues arise, but are calmly & quickly dealt with.  In fact, they’re growth opportunities.  Both partners find incredible success in their individual lives & they more as a couple.  Every part of life is better because your relationship made your infrastructure even more stable.  Life isn’t good, it’s great.  

Assessment: Easy.

Go Back to the Basics

In my opinion, the key to making relationships successful is simple: basic tactics.  Lots of small things & sporadic big things – but always acting proactively.  A simple equation.

SUCCESS     =     PROACTIVE    X     (many small things + some big things)

It’s consciously & subconsciously looking for tiny, sensitive, delicate, almost invisible inflection points where I could either do something proactively or not that define the short & long term quality of the relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, you’ve got to toss the big kahunas in there and buy something nice once in a while. And you have to be reactive when things go wrong – we all make mistakes.  But don’t lead here. Focus on the small things. Little things layer quickly, become habitual, are noticed & heavily appreciated.  They don’t cost money & at the end of the day they mean more. They don’t just create a buffer against future failure, it’s common sense. It’s how we should be in the first place.  It’s a partnership, after all.  

Here’s 10 things (9 small, 1 big) to consider that you might not be thinking about.

• Weekly Date Night – Every Tuesday, we go out to eat (COVID caused some adjustment).   Telling you, this is probably the single biggest driver for our relationship. It’s an epic way not just to break up the work week, tastes good, and different from the mundane daily cycle, but it’s a ridiculous opportunity to simply connect & just talk – about anything.  
• Random Act of Kindness (& “Why” for Bonus) – From a guy’s perspective, it doesn’t have to be flowers (but that doesn’t hurt!).  Could be anything like giving or buying a massage, making dinner taking on something they typically do.  And when you offer it, say why.  Reinforce what you’re proud of them for or why you wanted to go out of your way to do something nice.  
• Offer to Do Something They Like – Selfishly, we all have ways we like to spend time.  But would it kill you to proactively suggest that you want to do something that you know your better half is into more than you.  This moves markets.   
• Write a Short Note – I keep a stack of little pieces of paper on the desk and try to give little notes once in a while. Sometimes just a sentence. Call this silly, but I don’t care who you are. The thought is appreciated.
• Show Gratitude – Life is busy, and sometimes nice gestures go unnoticed or are taken for granted.  But don’t let them.  If your significant other did something that you appreciate not having to do, then give a hearty “thank you” – with substance.  How easy is that? Be grateful.
• Random Check-Ins – “Hey – how are you doing today?”  That’s it.  Rip it once or twice a day.  Throw a GIF in for extra points.
• ASK for Help – Be vulnerable.  It’s not just “ok” to ask for help, but it’s actually appreciated.  Everybody likes to know that their opinion is valued.  If you actually showed that you wanted help, I guarantee you’d be surprised at the quality of the advice & the appreciation for the ask.
• Joint Workouts – Working out is a classic, automatic reset button for me, helping drive clarity & creativity for whatever’s left of the day.  Working out with my wife makes it even better. For whatever reason it brings us closer & reinforces joint accountability & standard of wellness in the relationship.
• (Boozy) Brunch & Monthly Goals – As I wrote in The Time Value of Happiness, every year in early January we reflect upon personal wins & losses the previous year and set goals for the new year. Typically, alcohol IS involved.  Then, every month we use a boozy brunch as a fun way to review & set monthly goals.  This is one freaking fun accountability system that helps us grow individually & together.  
• Quarterly Getaways – OK, maybe semi-annual if you have kids.  Since 5 years ago, we made a deal to go away for at least 1 night (just us) 4 times per year.  We get something in the hopper & on the calendar.  It creates a shared experience that you can look forward to & plan together.

Be Proactive, Think Simple, Act Together

Like I shared in Enjoy the Path, Not the Destination, I’m not interested in living life at half capacity & not thriving in all areas.  My relationship is not only no different, but a massive part of this.  It’s an opportunity, not a binding.  

Be proactive, think simple & act together.

Happy Valentine’s Day.